"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

-- Joe Weinstein

 "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

-- Rita Rudner

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."

-- Robert Benchley

Why Dogs are Better than People

10. Dogs love it when your friends come over.

9. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.

8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

7. Anyone can get a good looking dog.

6. Dogs don't care if you haven't taken a shower in days.

5. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

4. Dogs think every meal you cook is just perfect.

3. Dogs don't keep wearing your favorite clothes on the nights you need them.

2. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've had.

and last but not least...

1. Dogs even find you amusing when you're drunk!

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Stephen Wright on Dogs

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him "Stay." It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To change a lightbulb?

• (Golden Retriever) The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
• (Border Collie) Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
• (Dachshund) I can't reach the stupid lamp.
• (French Brittany) I see it! There it is! Right there!
• (Toy Poodle) I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
• (Rottweiler) Go Ahead! Make Me!
• (Shitzu) Puh-leeze, dahling. Let the servants ...
• (Labrador Retriever) Oh! Me, Me !!! Pleeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
• (Malamute) Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
• (Cocker Spaniel) Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
• (Doberman Pinscher) While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
• (Mastiff) Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
• (Hound Dog) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
• (Chihuahua) Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
• (Irish Wolfhound) Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
• (Greyhound) It isn't moving. Who cares?
• (Australian Shepherd) Put all the bulbs in a little circle ...
• (Old English Sheep Dog)  Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Arf!

The Clever Brittie

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a handsome French Brittany with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The brittie growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "All right, all right," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the French Brittany home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise building, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"Nah, he's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

The Flying Dog

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

You can't bring that dog in this bar

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Q and A

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

Q: How do you know if there is a Great Dane under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

The Dog Fight

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

The Amazing Talking Dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.